In the latest of a sorry display of abject self-abuse, the Patriotic Freedom President of Freedom Eagle Country – or perhaps the President of the United States of America, depending on how much Bolivian marching powder he’s pounded into his sinuses lately, has named a new… something. Referring to him only as the “Patriotic Bear Wrestling Fight Master General Eagle Commander”, President Noah Buttes immediately inducted him into the Cabinet, and likely also into a lifelong struggle with syphilis. Divination of the discarded whiskey bottles and cocaine vials suggested that this was likely what would have been called the Secretary of Defense in any other administration.
When asked for a quote, President Buttes said the following:
Tell Russia to go fuck themselves. And I want my damn wwe tickets back. YOU STOLE MY VODKA. YOU BASTARD.
He then proceeded into a largely unprintable rant wherein he suggested the introduction of his footwear (note: the President appeared to have misplaced his shoes at the time the statement was made. This reporter is not certaint he President was aware of this) into Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putov’s rectum. Immediately afterward, the President stated that he still wished to be friends with PM Putov on a “weekend basis” and offered the interviewer a baggie of cocaine the size of a child’s pillow.