A series of emails, displayed at the end of this article with names removed to protect my sources, was made available to the Monitor recently, and it was revealed that one of the hairless apes discovered in Venezuela has been tasked by the US Government as a research director, in a lab apparently built to study extraterrestrial life forms. Furthermore, the emails referenced a ‘xeno research lab’ and an unspecified alien menace. President Noah Buttes was confronted with the emails, and answered a few questions:
First question: Are there or are there not extraterrestrial beings on or near Earth?
Eh, [expletive deleted] it. Yes.
Has the United States been in contact with these extraterrestrials, and if so, is the nature of that contact hostile or peaceful?
At this point… can I fill in my own option? They haven’t been directly aggressive, but they have been clearly attempting to turn the nations against each other. So passive-aggressive?
Are the United States or any of its citizens in danger of alien interference?
They sure tried, but we managed to uproot them swiftly. We have been thoroughly preparing for an incident such as this. None of the major international powers have been adversely impacted by them. In fact, I’d say that we’ve been united under a common front. However, there has been some low level infiltration in less developed countries. The United States is safe. All nuclear powers are currently allied or free from aliens.
Including India? Tensions seem to be rising there at an unheard-of rate.
I can confirm with 100% certainty that we have already invested considerable resources in assuring that both countries are free of extraterrestrial influence, and that there are no aliens in either Pakistan or India.
Does this have anything to do with the military action in Turkey?
Yes and no. We did bust drugs there, but we also busted the aliens in a separate operation. For reasons of national security, I cannot disclose anything further about Turkey.
How long has the United States been aware of extraterrestrials attempting to interfere with Earth’s affairs?
Well, that is a very complicated question. While we were aware of the existence of extraterrestrials since at least the 40s, the current surge in activity is relatively recent.
Is there a reason that this information was kept from the public since – did you say the 1940s?
That was not my administration, but a large part of that was due to fears that the information would find its way into the hands of the soviets. As far as when this latest string of alien incidents began, I’d say around February 2020.
Was this information of a nature that could have impacted the outcome of the Cold War? I understand that this was well before your time and we’re talking conjecture here.
It actually played no role, because we were so afraid of it falling into enemy hands, we could not utilize it at all. Since the enemy could have salvaged any equipment from defeated troops.
Has there been any meaningful communication between Earth and the extraterrestrials that you are aware of?
They tried to turn the governments against each other using messages. But the ruse was quickly dispelled.
Are you able to release any of the content of those messages?
I only have the transcript from one of these messages – you’d have to ask the other world leaders – but I can provide you with a rough translation. For some reason, the aliens only choose to speak in Dutch.
“we want to thank you for the donation to our charity. Your Russian friends gave us some places where we can go pick up some people for research. Thanks to your donations, our project is now significantly faster. Obviously, we will send the donations back once we have finished their”
This was sent when tensions were still high with Russia.
What, as far as you know, is the goal of the extraterrestrials? What is it they want?
Our top scientists have been working around the clock on this issue. We believe that they are here for one of three possible reasons. 1. They wish to acquire complex bio-organic materials, which are rare on other worlds. 2. Their home planet has become deceased and they lack the technology for terraforming. 3. Or they are participating in the largest social experiment ever conceived of.
Based on your previous answers, it seems like the aliens are attempting a cloak-and-dagger approach – if it became a shooting war, given your knowledge of the military strength of America and its allies, and whatever you may know of the military strength of the extraterrestrials, how do you like our chances?
I would like to say that, while I cannot divulge the specifics for obvious reasons, we believe we would be able to hold our own. The aliens do not seem very flexible with tactics, nor very innovative. And we are rapidly using salvaged technology to improve our own equipment in ways I’m sure even the aliens would find amazing.
Are there any specific actions we – meaning Americans, or citizens of other nations – should take to protect ourselves against an extraterrestrial threat, or to assist our nations in doing so?
There are two very important things. First, we must all come together and work as a unit. I firmly believe that, if we can do that, we will emerge from this a united people free from the ancient bonds of hatred. This is our greatest strength in such a trying time. And secondly, don’t snort any cocaine.
Email exchange as leaked to the Schenectady Monitor, with names removed:
From: [REDACTED_1] To: [REDACTED_2] Sent: Tue, Oct 20, 2020 13:42 pm Subject: monkey in the lab [REDACTED_2], why is there a hairless ape in the lab? There isn't even a cage for it, we're not set up for specimen examination. [REDACTED_3] said that it was taking my job, what did he mean by that? [REDACTED_1] --- From: [REDACTED_2] To: [REDACTED_1] Sent: Tue, Oct 20, 2020 16:20 pm Subject: RE: monkey in the lab There is nothing going on at the lab anyway grief just leave the monkey alone Sent from my BlackBerry --- From: [REDACTED_1] To: [REDACTED_2] Sent: Tue, Oct 20, 2020 16:28 pm Subject: RE: monkey in the lab Sir, it is disrupting the workspace. Once we start research, contamination will be a problem. I can't even keep the ape out of the xeno containment unit. That brings up another point, are we sure this thing can keep creatures secure inside of it? [REDACTED_1] --- From: [REDACTED_2] To: [REDACTED_1] Sent: Wed, Oct 21, 2020 08:21 pm Subject: RE: monkey in the lab Grise let me tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a super-secret organization tasked with saving the world from a terrible unknown menace. They had few resources. They had little government support. They had no public acknowledgment of their hard work and sacrifice. In the early days the state of affairs in the world was unclear and every possible lead had to be followed up as a potential threat and a source of knowledge of our cosmic adversary. One morning the President of the United States - at the time suffering a near-crippling addiction to almost every kind of narcotic known to science - read an article about hairless apes in Venezuela. He decided in his drug-enhanced wisdom that aliens were the cause of - or possibly disguised as - said hairless monkeys. A crack team of elite soldiers armed with the latest military technology and aircraft so advanced that the public still doesn't even know that they exist was sent in to complete an objective known only to the President. They returned with the monkey that you see in the lab who you will henceforth refer to as Mr Muggles. I will avoid explaining the math so trust me when I say that this operation was expensive. You probably know how much I make for this job because it's a shitty GS position and the pay grade chart is online. Take my annual salary and add a zero to it and then multiply it by four. That is how much it cost to acquire the services of our new lab assistant Mr Muggles. I guess this is a good time to tell you about your new assignment [REDACTED_1]. There is an opening at the lab in lovely Barrow Alaska and we need our top man on it. Mr Muggles will handle things here. [REDACTED_2]